Enough of being stressed – here’s an alternative way forward
There are plenty of tips and tricks around for addressing work-related stress. This post is not another one. What we are suggesting here is a perspective, a way of thinking. It’s a broad but practical approach you may like to explore for responding to all sorts of stresses. These days, with the challenges of hybrid work impinging on many of us, there is plenty of opportunity to improve our stress responses.
A true story
This case of a friend of ours may sound a little prosaic, but it’s real. A few months ago, he told us about a new skillset he discovered that he now uses regularly. Last year, he’d experienced some major setbacks with his employment situation. He was having difficulty managing a new hybrid working arrangement – or working from “the unstaffed childcare centre where his office was now located”, as he put it.
Stressed out
Our friend stumbled on this skillset by accident. He had gone on a short walk to take his mind off all the things that were going wrong. It felt as if his career was falling apart. His work outlook seemed like an endless grey cloud. He had even been wondering if he was in the right career.
As you may also have experienced, when out walking, your thoughts can take off on their own path, and before you know it, you are lost in a miserable round of negative internal dialogue.
But as he ruminated over his troubles, something caught his eye. A fence covered with heritage roses.
Notice what’s right in front of you
He had come this way many times before but had never noticed this fence of roses. Perhaps the flowers weren’t usually out, but here they were, and for some reason, he stopped to smell one. This was odd behaviour for him because he never bothered to smell flowers. He couldn’t even remember when he’d last noticed a flower with a perfume! He just presumed that plant breeders go for looks, not smell. This time, however, he paused and sniffed at one that was just at nose height.
Wham! He was astonished by the beautiful scent. It was very subtle, and as he sniffed it again, he was drawn into the depth of its perfume, the undertones of sweetness, of citrus … he had no words to describe it. He said he felt a sense of relief and of gratitude that roses like this still existed. Perhaps, he felt, there was hope.
Hope – how do you strengthen it?
Nearly 300 years ago British poet Alexander Pope wrote, “Hope springs eternal”, though he probably wasn’t the first person to notice the enduring power of hope to pull us forward. Today, there is extensive research showing that hopefulness is linked strongly with increased creativity and problem-solving ability.
But – and it’s a big BUT – how do you make hope happen? How can we strengthen our sense of hope? What feeds it? In this short post, we want to suggest one simple exercise that can make a huge difference. It’s what our friend discovered on his walk. You simply choose to do it or not, and it’s free.
A crazy idea
When our friend noticed how grateful he was that there were still roses with perfume like this, he had, as he said, a slightly nutty idea: “I’ll just keep walking until I’ve thought of another 9 things to be grateful for.”
You can probably imagine what happened. Before he got to 5 he was starting to feel more hopeful. Maybe he could figure out how to make his work situation function better for everyone involved. In fact, he couldn’t recall when he last felt optimistic about his work and career.
While being more hopeful, appreciative, thankful or cheerful can be as simple as just choosing to be, for many the real challenge is getting started.
At the heart of gratitude
If gratitude feels forced or false, or if you can’t think of anything at all to be thankful for, there are some keys to a state of mind that may help.
When expressing your gratitudes, make a point of zeroing in on what exactly it is that you are grateful for. What are its specific qualities that you really appreciate? Make sure they are meaningful to you, that you actually feel some sense of being grateful. Suppose you notice the sun and are grateful for the sunshine. What is it about sunshine you are thankful for? The warmth? The light? The way the sun is always there, even when you can’t see it? The key is to be specific.
Buried in his first 10 gratitudes, our friend had “I am grateful for the flexibility I have working from home.” When he thought about it more deeply, he realised that there were many specific aspects of this. For instance, he appreciated how he could control the “what” and “when” of some of his work. He also realised he needed to pay much more attention to being explicit about the structures he needed – both clear with himself and in communicating with the others in his “office”.
His walks became a daily structure. But they were no longer prompted by “I’ve got to get out of here!” Instead, our friend re-labelled them as “Time for my ‘gratitude walk’”.
Things improved. The process was iterative. He tried many things, reviewed and adapted, and he felt more hopeful about what could arise from this stage in his career.
The biggest key
But there’s a bigger key to boosting your hopefulness than needing to be specific with gratitude – especially when you feel cynical, negative, stuck and can’t get started. It’s this: you only need one gratitude. The fact is there are thousands of things to be grateful for, but mostly, they lie buried unnoticed in the background blur of your day – like that fence with a rose on it.
End of year bonus
Reviewing things you feel grateful for from the past year can be a very rewarding way to wrap it up before you break for the holidays. For many of us – feeling a bit worn out from a tough year – looking back initially just confirms that we have every right to feel exhausted, and very little to be grateful for. But look again. They are there – a lot has happened in the last 12 months. Flick back through your diary and find those points of positive difference, moments of progress for which you can feel genuinely grateful. Give it a go.
We recommend a structured approach. There’s freedom in structures. Commit to a daily walk, commit to 10 gratitudes. Repeat the next day. If you don’t feel like it, remember: “It’s better to show up than give up.” So even if you can only find one gratitude, call it a success for now. The power is in the structure – that’s the key. It’s an opportunity to step back from the intensity of the moment, to pause and take a breath before re-engaging with the situation to be managed.
Incidentally, it’s good to speak gratitudes out aloud … though we understand if you want to pause when passing other walkers.
This exercise never fails. Even just one gratitude honestly felt can save a whole day.
Have a great one!
Max and Frances
P.S. If you are having difficulty with work related stress, communication issues or career decisions … we can help.